New and First Blog -- Love, Loss, and Desperation

Hey everyone,

This is my first time making a blog on this site and I wanted to take the blog virginity :P. I am 18 years old and I am hoping to see much improvement in myself, mentally and physically. I am majoring in kinesiology and a minor in business administration/marketing. I am hoping to use my schooling to become a personal trainer/acupuncturist.

Now that you know a little about where I'm headed and if you read my "About me" you should know a little bit about me. I also wanted to mention love since much of us have gone in and out of love or hope to be in love some time in your life.

Now, I have had one girl I actually fell in love with while I lived in England. We were together most of my senior year and most of the summer, about 7 months. Many of you may say that isn't long at all and I can see that because I thought it was too short too. We were each others first--you can only guess what I mean. Well to put it short and sweet I visited her in California after graduation and after we moved to different states and I spent the time with her and her family during their reunion. Everything was going well and the family loved me and we were happy until I asked her what was wrong since she felt distant to me and it just so happens she admitted to not loving me anymore and she didn't know why. Apparently, it just sort of happened. Which I can believe because there are times in our lives that love is left from us, and especially since I was her first boyfriend, first everything for that matter. Though you would think that would help.

Nevertheless, our relationship ended and after a good semester in College I am over her yet she stopped talking to me completely and Its a pain in the ass. Anyways, I digress, I realized now how much of a toll that relationship took on my heart. I personally have had my heart broken many times and in my dating lifetime I only broke up with one girl, and the rest of them broke up or cheated on me. Now I thought i was "getting used" to disappointment from a relationship--that I'd be mature abut it whenever it did happen. Which is true, but I also realized I have took so much damage on my heart...I can't bring myself to go into another relationship. And the terrible thing about that is, I love being in love. I love being a boyfriend--I'm good at it damn it! I don't want to brag, but I am understanding, uncontrolling, loving, affectionate, a gentleman, not clingy, protective (within reason), a good guy, outgoing, easy going, and I take care of myself (fitness wise). So, yes, girls like me, but the thing is I can't like anyone for some reason even if I think they're amazing.

I just can't wait till my heart is ready because my maturity and mind is.